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Stealing: Child's Play or Sign of a Serious Problem?

By Meghan Vivo

It may be as innocent as a candy bar or pack of gum – or it could be as serious as taking money from friends or family or stealing a car. How is a parent to know whether a child’s first foray into stealing is normal childhood limit-testing or a red flag signaling a much bigger problem?

What Is Normal?

Dr. Barbara Howard, an assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, assures parents in an Aug. 10, 2009 New York Times article that stealing is a routine part of childhood development, along with sleep problems, tantrums and other expected behaviors.

Most childhood development experts agree that a child under 3 to 5 years of age doesn’t have a fully developed sense of right and wrong. In these cases, the issue is one of teaching that it is wrong to take an item that doesn’t belong to you, rather than accusing the child of stealing or criminal behavior.

It is also common for an older child, roughly 5 to 10 years of age, to take something they want at school or a store knowing that it’s wrong and then flatly deny stealing it. This developmental stage, according to Dr. Howard, is a time for boundary testing.

“Kids are trying to find out what happens if you get caught, and one of the biggest problems is if you don’t catch them,” she explained in the New York Times article. “They’re trying to find out what the rules are, and if nobody catches them and says, ‘That’s wrong, you have to give that back or pay for it,’ they don’t get a sense of being properly supervised.”

For adolescents, the issue is more complicated. If your teen just stole for the first time, the incident may fall into the range of normal acting out that occurs during adolescence. But by middle school and high school, young people know that stealing is wrong; if they are doing it anyway, this may be a sign that something is wrong.
 
Signs of a Bigger Problem

Have you noticed a new collection of jeans in your daughter’s bedroom? Does your son always seem to have a stash of snacks and treats even when he isn’t working or getting an allowance? If your child is secretive about where their money or belongings come from or gives expensive gifts to friends or family, they may have a problem with stealing.

The following are signs that stealing is symptom of more pressing problems in your child’s life:

Symbolic Stealing. If your child steals something that they know carries special meaning for its owner in order to make a statement, this behavior is more worrisome than the child who steals an item simply because they really want it.

Repeated Stealing. It is one thing to steal once to see if you can get away with it. It is another thing to continue stealing, especially as the child gets older.

Stealing Without Remorse. Stealing repeatedly and without remorse can be a sign of antisocial behavior or a personality disorder. If the behavior is accompanied by other destructive behaviors, such as violence, falling grades or suspected substance abuse, seek professional help immediately.

Stealing Compulsively. In rare cases, a child may be struggling with an impulse control disorder called kleptomania, or a compulsion to steal. People with this disorder often steal for no real reason and may even discard the items they steal. Kleptomania requires professional counseling and is often accompanied by other conditions such as personality disorders or eating disorders.

Tips for Parents

Find Out Why Your Child Stole. Kids steal for a variety of reasons – to gain a sense of independence or control, to feel the “high” of getting away with something, to show off in front of friends, to give gifts to family or friends, to get attention, or to get something they feel entitled to own but that they can’t afford. Whatever the reason, stealing can be a sign of an unmet emotional or psychological need that may require your attention, and in more serious cases, may require treatment.

Take Advantage of Teachable Moments. If you catch your teen shoplifting or suspect improper behavior, take the opportunity to talk about ethical standards and what behaviors are unacceptable to you. Although the appeal of instant gratification can be difficult to ignore, it is important for children to learn the value of hard work and earning what they have.

Make sure your child understands the potential consequences of shoplifting or stealing, such as being banned from a store, arrested or assigned to community service; receiving a permanent mark on their record; or losing the trust of others. Then, make the lesson real by requiring your child to apologize and either pay for or return the item. Setting these limits early on will send an important message about right versus wrong.

Because stealing can be a routine part of childhood, there is a need to set clear rules and boundaries, but without over-dramatizing the incident. As Dr. Howard explained in the New York Times article, “They need to be stopped, they need to pay it back and they need to apologize, but they shouldn’t be taken to the county jail or treated as if they’re bound to be criminals forever. … Doing too much or doing too little, either is bad.”

Be a Good Role Model. Even if you tell your children that stealing is wrong, your behavior speaks louder than your words. Model honest behavior by admitting a clerk’s calculation error at the supermarket checkout counter and refraining from stocking up on office supplies you stole from work or ketchup packets you took from the local fast-food restaurant.

Get Help. Once your child understands that stealing is wrong and against your family’s and society’s rules, there is usually no need to dwell on the incident or berate your child. If stealing appears to be a sign of a more serious problem, get help from a school counselor or therapist.

There are also a number of wilderness therapy programs and therapeutic boarding schools that specialize in treating children and teens with emotional and behavioral issues. These therapeutic programs can help teens learn to respect rules, find healthy ways to get their underlying emotional needs met, and get them back on track before lasting damage is done.

While stealing can be seen as a type of “rite of passage” for children, it is a behavior that requires immediate correction and inquiry into whether a more serious problem exists. If your child is stealing, know that the behavior isn’t harmless and that parents are in the best position to know whether the act is an opportunity to learn an important lesson or a cry for help.