Parents Beware: Teens Not Immune to Domestic Violence, Relationship Abuse

By Hugh C. McBride

Every October, you pause at least once during Domestic Violence Awareness Month to acknowledge how grateful you are to have chosen the partner that you did.

When you read the statistics and watch the news reports about how many people are being beaten, controlled or otherwise abused by their spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends, you consider yourself lucky to be in a relationship that is based upon trust, love and respect.
 
Your family has its share of problems and challenges -- what family doesn't? -- but you're so glad that domestic violence isn't one of them.
 
Or is it?
 
If you are the parent of a teenager who is dating or in an exclusive relationship, you may want to hold off on assuming that your family hasn't been affected by relationship violence. Experts estimate that as many as one-third of teens have experienced some type of abuse within a relationship, and that about one in 10 have been physically abused by a romantic partner. 
 
Regardless of how good a parent you are, or how close your family is, this doesn't mean that your teen is immune from the effects of relationship violence.

Relationship-based abuse happens to good kids, smart kids and strong kids -- and though you'd rather not even think about it, the harsh reality of the matter is that it can happen to your kid, too.
 
Not Just Physical Abuse
 
As the estimates in the previous section indicate, physical violence is far from the only type of abuse that occurs within teen (or, for that matter, adult) relationships. Common types of teen relationship violence include verbal harassment, emotional abuse and controlling or possessive behaviors.
 
A March 20, 2008, article on the WebMD website describes a number of the ways in which a teen can be manipulated or exploited by an abusive partner, and notes that no teens are automatically exempt from these types of unhealthy experiences:

Abusers try to manipulate their dating partners by making all the decisions, putting them down in front of friends, threatening to kill themselves, stalking them or forcing them to have sex.

Like adult domestic violence, teen relationship abuse affects all types of teens, regardless of how much money their parents make, what their grades are, how they look or dress, their religion or their race. Teen relationship abuse occurs in heterosexual, gay and lesbian relationships.

On its website, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline lists four simple statements to help teens remember that physical abuse isn't the only symptom of an unhealthy relationship:

• Love is Trusting -- It isn't keeping tabs with obsessive calls and texting.
• Love is Secure -- It isn't being jealous, suspicious or paranoid.
• Love is Accepting -- It isn't telling someone what to do, what to wear or how to act.
• Love is Freedom -- It isn't about possessing anyone or anything.

Five Signs Your Teen May be Being Abused
 
Relationship abuse can take many forms, and for such an oppressive experience the symptoms can be relatively subtle. And because "normal teen behavior" can be more than a bit of an oxymoron, identifying the signs of teen relationship abuse is hardly an exact science.
 
Still, there are a few common symptoms that might indicate your child is having a problem within a romantic relationship.

As with other teen problems, such as substance abuse, depression or an eating disorder, noticing signs of relationship abuse isn't a matter of identifying exact signs, but rather of noticing out-of-the-ordinary behaviors, attitudes and appearances:

1. Unexplained physical injuries -- We all know that teens fall down, bump into things and otherwise find ways of hurting themselves. But if you notice cuts, bruises, burns or other injuries that your teen can't explain -- or if the explanations offered don't sound plausible to you -- don't ignore these warning signs.
2. Isolation -- One of the most common ways that abusers control their victims is by limiting (or eliminating) their contact with friends and family members. If your teen has abandoned friends, withdrawn from family or abruptly quit activities (such as sports, school clubs or a job), this could indicate an abusive relationship. The partner may be overly possessive, or the victim may be withdrawing as a way of hiding the effects of the abuse.
3. Changes in appearance or behavior -- The teen years are a time of experimentation and change, and new styles, attitudes and preferences are to be expected. But if your teen has changed significantly, quickly and without explanation, this is an invitation for you to investigate further. Your child may simply be trying to establish a unique identity. But if, instead, this identity is being imposed upon your child by a boyfriend or girlfriend, then you need to step in.
4. Mood swings -- If your formerly ebullient teen suddenly becomes morose or angry -- or if relatively minor conflicts result in disproportionate sadness or rage -- then relationship violence may be to blame. Teens who are being abused by their boyfriends or girlfriends are under considerable stress, and are likely to be anxious, nervous, scared or depressed. With no healthy outlet for these emotions, they may remain repressed until they "boil over" in response to seemingly irrelevant events.
5. Problems in school -- From truancy to experiencing a dramatic drop in grades, teens who are involved in abusive relationships may have trouble maintaining their previous levels of academic achievement. Their partners may be pressuring them to skip school, may not be allowing them ample time to study or may have impaired their self-esteem to the point where they don't believe they are capable -- or worthy -- of doing well.

How You Can Help

If you suspect that your teen is being abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to get involved. Though television, films and other aspects of popular culture have often been blamed for exposing teens to adult issues at too early an age, the truth of the matter is that they often remain surprisingly naive.

Some teens are aware that they are being abused, but are either too confused, too afraid or too ashamed to get help. Others may not even realize how bad the problem is -- with few or no previous relationships to compare, they might think that this is just a normal part of being in love.
 
Either way, if your teen is being abused, you need to intervene.
 
Express your concerns to your teen, talk about what you have observed (and suspect) and listen to the answers you receive. If you're not satisfied with the explanations you hear -- and if you're unsure of how to proceed -- make an appointment with an expert such as the school guidance counselor, your family physician or a domestic violence prevention organization in your area. If these people can't give you the help you need, they should definitely be able to put you in contact with someone who can.
 
When you decide to intervene, you may experience significant resistance. But this isn't the time for you to worry about being right -- it's the time to take the steps you need to ensure your child's continued physical safety and emotional well-being.